I'll Change Myself
by MercutiosQueenMab
Summary: Bella decides to take her change into her own hands.


Disclaimer: Not mine. Obviously.

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Bella walked into the apartment she shared with Edward. They had been married several years now, though Bella was still human. She had decided to give him a few more years with her as a human; once she realized how much he wanted it, she couldn't deny him. Couldn't be that selfish.

The news Bella had gotten today had changed that.

She had gone to the doctor about a pain she'd been having. She had taken some tests (needles…ugh!), gone home, and that had been that. But two days ago, her doctor had called, saying that they needed another appointment to "Discuss The Results".

The Results…she laid her car keys on the counter slowly. Cancer.

Why Edward hadn't noticed it, she didn't know. It was rare, it was sudden, and it was absolutely deadly. She almost smiled at how unlike her, how….melodramatic that sounded, but couldn't. The immortal Adonis saddled with imperfect, plain………her. He would live forever. She had months. Months. She had less than a mouse's lifespan to live, or that's what the doctor had said.

Well, not if she could help it. She had to get Edward to change her. Had to get him to change her without telling him why. To tell him, to force him to watch her waste away as he waited for the opportune moment, would only hurt him. And she had promised never to hurt him again. Not even for something like this. No, she would have to convince him to change her without him knowing why.

By this time, she was sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in her hand. She glanced at it, surprised. She couldn't remember making it. She sipped from it quickly, trying to compose herself before he came home.

All too soon, she heard Edward's footsteps on the stair. She blessed the apartment that they lived in, and the fact that the presence of so many humans meant that he couldn't be as silent as his vampire nature made him. Quickly, Bella put a smile on her face.

"Good day at work, love?" He kissed her on each cheek, then her lips.

"Great! Yours?" She pasted a smile on her face. Bella sighed mentally, happy that she was a better liar now than in high school.

Later that evening, he sat with her as she ate her dinner. Edward always liked to watch her eat, Bella thought with a twinge of guilt. If she had her way, she'd never eat again.

"So..." Bella said, as she began to clean the dishes "It's been a couple years since we were married…have you thought about changing me yet?"

His eyes tightened. "Bella…" He took the dishes from her and began cleaning them much faster than she could have.

She took the opportunity to persuade him more.

"I'm getting older every day, Edward….I love you, you love me, we're already living together. I finished high school; I went to college, just like you asked. We got married; I've had all the human experiences I'm going to have. What reason can you _possibly_ have for not changing me?"

"I can't. I just can't do that to you. I can't kill you like that."

"You wouldn't be _killing_ me. I'd be up and talking to you in three days."

"But I would be. I'd be the one physically causing your heart to stop; I'd have to watch you writhing in pain for three days, knowing that I'd caused that pain. I'll change you eventually, I will, I promise. But not now. I'm not ready; give me a bit more time."

"O.k.", Bella replied, turning away from him, wishing that she had more guts. Because she didn't have more time.

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Three days later she was shopping by herself. She liked to do that from time-to-time. Not too often, as being away from Edward still made her anxious, but now she needed to think.

It was such a difficult problem, planning how to die. She couldn't tell Edward, and force him to watch her dying for weeks and weeks until the last possible moment when he would change her. She couldn't _not_ tell him, and deliberately tempt him into biting her. That would only increase his self-loathing tenfold. She had to create a situation that would force an imminent change, without allowing Edward to shoulder blame.

Glancing out at the shops across the highway, Bella pulled out the cell phone he had given her.

"Edward? Would you mind driving over and picking me up?"

She knew it would take him at least five minutes to get there, even at the speeds at which he drove. So she waited by the side of the road.

After about a minute or so Bella saw it. The perfect one: maroon minivan, mother on a cell phone, two children fighting in the back seat. The mother turned to yell at the children.

Bella took a deep breath and stepped into the middle of the road.

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He arrived a couple seconds before the paramedics, growing increasingly horrified and fearful as he heard the thoughts around him…..

_Oh, God, that looks bad…._

_Shit, is she breathing? Oh, shit, shit, shit!_

_Got to get her to the Hospital…_

Edward could hear her heartbeat, but it was faint and slowly growing fainter….

He pushed himself into the ambulance with her……he had to stay with her.

"Excuse me sir…" A paramedic began, about to tell him to get out of the ambulance.

"I'm her husband," Edward snarled, before quickly pulling out his cell phone.

"Carlisle, Bella's been hurt…..we're on our way in the ambulance"

He cursed having to pretend to be human……had he been driving they would have been at the hospital now, she would be recovering, and he would be listening to her heartbeat steadily growing stronger.

Despite the paramedic's efforts her heartbeat was still weak.

"Hang in there sweetheart, please….." Edward pushed back nonexistent tears, hoping that they arrived in time…..that Carlisle could help her.

When they arrived, Carlisle was waiting.

As they pulled in, Carlisle took control.

"I'm her doctor; I'll take it from here."

Edward waited outside while he tried to save her.

Why on earth had she done that? She knew that he was on his way, she had called him…….there wasn't even anything she needed across the street.

Realization hit him ice-cold and hard.

Their conversation…..Bella had meant to be hit…..she had meant for him to find her, hopefully alive. She had killed herself to be changed.

Edward buried his head in his hands, hoping that she'd be all right, praying that she'd live, that he could apologize for being such a fool and driving her to do this.

He looked up again and froze as he heard Carlisle's thoughts, as the man himself walked out to voice the unnecessary words.

"We're losing her."

Watching his son break into tearless sobs, Carlisle gave Edward the choice he knew he didn't want.

"I've got her full of morphine. If you're going to change her, you have to do it now."

Edward nodded, still shaking with the nonexistent tears, and then quickly made his way into the hospital room.

"Bella, sweetheart," He said thickly, hoping she could hear him, "I'm sorry. So very, very sorry. I love you."

He leaned in and bit her neck, then each of her wrists, hoping that the morphine would dull the pain for her.

Then he waited, for three days.

Finally, at the end of the third day, Edward heard Bella's heart stop. Now came the tricky part.

"Bella? Can you hear me?" He asked, watchful, as he knew there were humans around. Though, Edward expected, knowing her unusual aversion and sensitivity to blood, even as a human, that it would not be a problem.

He saw Bella nod, imperceptibly, as though she were afraid the motion might cause the pain to come back.

"Darling, we're going to need you to hold very still for a long while. As still as if you are dead. Can you do that?"

She nodded again, her eyes still closed.

"Good." He breathed. Then, arranging his face into a perfect mask of panic, he began to yell for Carlisle. "Carlisle, help! She's flat-lining!"

Carlisle rushed in, his face also perfectly arranged into a panicked expression.

After a couple of halfway attempts at restarting her dead heart, Carlisle pronounced Bella dead, his voice breaking convincingly in several places.

At this, Edward began to weep, burying his face in his hands to disguise the lack of tears. It was not difficult for him to conjure up the emotion He was not sure whether it was because he was truly sad to have lost all the things he loved about Bella: her blush, her heartbeat, her clumsiness, or whether it was because he was so relieved that he would have her and her mind for eternity. There would be no more fear that an unvigilant driver, a fall from a height, or a scuffle in a back alley would end her life prematurely. The best part of all was that there was no more fear that _he_ would be the one to kill her.

As Edward mulled this over, Carlisle walked out to discuss all the arrangements with the mortician.

"Yes, yes, a small funeral in the family plot, it's on our property, yes."

"No thank you, though, we'll take care of everything….."

"We'll pick up the body tomorrow…"

"Would you mind giving us a couple of moments with her, you know, to say goodbye?"

"Bella?" Edward whispered to her again, knowing she could hear him, "They're going to take you to the morgue now, because technically, you're dead. Well come and get you tomorrow, for the 'funeral', so that no one suspects anything. Are you all right with that?"

"Yes." She said, her voice like bells.

"Wait!" Carlisle walked back in. "Even if you aren't feeling the thirst now…." He shook his head in amazement, "And you should be, you'll be feeling it later. Have some of this." He handed her a cup filled with red liquid.

Bella looked at it dubiously.

"It's not human," Carlisle said with a slight laugh to his voice. "Don't worry."

"O.k." She drank deeply, seeming relieved when it was done.

"I'll stay with you tonight," Edward said, impulsively, but happy at her pleased look once she said it. Catching Carlisle's glance, he elaborated, "To make sure that she doesn't slip and do something she regrets."

"That seems wise. Just make sure no one sees you."

"They won't." He replied with his same crooked grin.

"You'll stay?" She asked the old phrase with what seemed to him a very familiar expression and tone.

"Always."

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It had hurt him to see them wheel her down the hallway, white cloth draped over her face. It seemed too much like his worst nightmare.

But later on, in the morgue, he'd been relieved to feel Bella once again in his arms. The _permanence_ of the embrace was comforting.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered into her hair.

She pulled away, incredulous.

"Why are _you_ sorry? _I'm_ the one who intentionally walked out in front of a freaking mini van!"

"But I was _late_! You had to call me to come pick you up! I should have been there!"

At this, she burst out laughing. And while he did think that her laugh was among the most beautiful sounds he'd ever heard, Edward had to admit that he was quite perplexed as to what was so funny.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You," She said, kissing his nose, "Are," His forehead, "The most," His left cheek, "Ridiculous" His right cheek, "Man" His mouth.

Edward pulled away as soon as her earlier words hit him.

"What do you mean you _intentionally_ walked out in front of that car?"

She bit her lip and looked down.

"I didn't think it was that much of a risk. And I knew that you would change me if I were dying." Bella looked away. She couldn't stand how agonized his eyes were.

"Why didn't you try to _talk_ to me?"

"Because you would've set a date in a couple of months, and, well, it was already too late for that."

"What do you mean?"

"Edward, I was sick. Really, really sick. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd mope and feel guilty, and blame yourself (completely irrationally) for not preventing it, and wait for the last possible _instant_ to change me. And meantime, my quality of life was not going to get any better. So, I figured I'd find a life-endangering situation that gave you no room to blame yourself."

He pulled Bella close to him again, shaking slightly.

"I'm so sorry," Edward stopped her protest with at finger over her lips, "That you didn't feel that you could tell me. I'm sorry that you felt as though you needed to spare my feelings. I wish you'd felt that you could've told me. I want you to be able to tell me everything."

"I'm sorry too." Bella whispered back at him. "I love you."

"I love you too. So much."

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A month later, the Cullens left town.

It was rumored that the son – Edward – whose young wife had died the month before couldn't stand all the reminders of her that remained there. The Cullens had always been a closely bonded family, so no one was surprised when the rest left shortly after him.

What was surprising was the lovely brunette he left with.

_A/N: Thanks so much for reading!_

_Loads of thanks to Libitine for editing for me!_

_Reviews are __greatly__ appreciated._

_-Mab._


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